I wanted to quit 50 times

I wanted to quit 50 times. It was a long WOD, really it was two WODs in one, and I was tired. I’d gone through the first one fine but the second was tougher than I anticipated. My arms were sore and failing and I’d lost my wind. I just wanted to stop. Enough already, I’ve done a lot. Why do more? What am I gaining here?

The coach was right beside me, encouraging me to pick up the bar. Not yelling, screaming, or demanding that I do it, but calmly telling me with confident expectation what, deep down, I knew I needed to do. I’d pick up the bar and get another rep or two, and then I’d drop it again as thoughts of quitting continued to race through my mind. But the coach was there as well, gently but persistently instructing me to grab a hold of the bar and lift it once more.

As I listened to the war of words in my head I realized the battle wasn’t between the bar and I, it was between me and I. When I dropped the bar, was it my muscles or my mind that was telling me to stop, to give up, to quit? I still had the strength to do it, but did I have the will? Did I believe I could do it?

It’s one thing to fail in the attempt, after all not every intention is successfully executed. But it’s quite another thing to not even make the attempt. I wasn’t failing to achieve success; I was succeeding to achieve failure. Or put another way, I was defeating myself before I’d actually been defeated.

My lack of confidence in myself and my abilities made me want to give up and surrender. My coach’s confidence never wavered however, and my doubt began to turn on itself. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I can actually do this after all. I set aside the self doubt and picked up the bar again. I heard the coach’s voice beside me, “You can do this.” I pushed through the discomfort, “Yes, I really can do this.” I told myself, and rep by rep finally finished.

Completing the WOD was a mixture of relief and joy. I was glad to be done, but I was even happier that I made it to the end. I hadn’t quit, even though I had wanted to so many times. If not for the persistent support of my coach, I know I wouldn’t have finished. I used his confidence when I didn’t have any of my own. I finished, not because I wanted to but because I felt like I would have been letting him down if I had – insulting his faith in me.

I wanted to quit 50 times, but 50 times I kept going. I pushed past a barrier that I had placed in my own way that defined and limited what I could do. I’ve developed some physical toughness since I began Crossfit, but I now need to develop some mental toughness as well.

I need to let failure find me, rather than me looking for it. It’s all too easy to find or create failure, better to go forth and look for success instead.